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Scientific Text Revision Exercise (1)

 

Hello all,

After checking most of your mid-term assignment, i.e. revising “The Correlation between Eleventh Grade Students’ Motivation and their English Learning Achievement”, I found that some of you did not yet cover some necessary points. To enable you make a more comprehensive revision,consider how I revised the following text i.e the first three paragraphs of the introduction section of the assigned script.

Paragraph 1

Indonesia as a developing country still faces severe educational problems mainly due to the inequality and inefficiency and the low quality of education. Motivation is some kind of internal drive that encourage somebody to pursue a course of action. If we perceive a goal (that is, something we wish to achieve) and if that goal is sufficiently attractive, we will be strongly motivated to do whatever is necessary to reach that goal (Harmer; 2007). The factors contributing to the quality of education could be differentiated to internal and external factors. The internal factors include physical condition such as intelligence, motivation, interest, talents, maturity of the students. While external factors include school curriculum, school environment, professional competence of teachers, teaching methods, family environment, social status economic, society, and culture (Harmer, 2007 pp.1-6).

Indonesia as a developing country still faces severe educational problems mainly due to the inequality and inefficiency and the low quality of education (1). The factors contributing to the quality of education could be differentiated to internal and external factors. The internal factors include physical condition such as intelligence, motivation, interest, talents, maturity of the students. While external factors include school curriculum, school environment, professional competence of teachers, teaching methods, family environment, social status economic, society, and culture (Harmer, 2007 pp.1-6) (2). [This study dealt with] (3) motivation, some kind of internal drive that encourage somebody to pursue a course of action. If we perceive a goal (that is, something we wish to achieve) and if that goal is sufficiently attractive, we will be strongly motivated to do whatever is necessary to reach that goal (Harmer; 2007).

Explanations
(1): Sentence 1 states a very broad topic. It is also not very relevant to the topic in the paragraph. Since it violates the paragraph’s unity, it’s better to drop it from the paragraph.
(2): The sentence running “The factors contributing to …. External factors.” Is the introductory sentence. So, it should be put in the beginning and followed by the two sentences verifying items included in the internal and external factors.
(3): To make the previous sentence coherent with the next, a transitional phrase is needed. That’s why the phrase “This study deals with …” was inserted, and, as a consequence, the sentence “Motivation is some kind of internal drive that encourage somebody to pursue a course of action” was transformed into a phrase .

Paragraph 2

According Choosri & Intharaksa, (as cited in Yu-mei, 2011) stated motivation is one of the several important factors that may influence students’ English achievement. It is even thought to be an important reason that causes different achievement. In other words, it determines the success or failure in second or foreign language learning because motivation can directly influence the frequency of using learning strategies, willpower of learning, goal setting, and the achievement in learning (Li & Pan, 2009). Therefore, motivation can explain why some students succeed and some others failed in learning English.

According Choosri & [and] Intharaksa, (as cited in Yu-mei, 2011) stated motivation is one of the several important factors that may influence students’ English achievement (4). It is even thought to be an important reason that causes different achievement. In other words, it determines the success or failure in second or foreign language learning because motivation can directly influence the frequency of using learning strategies, willpower of learning, goal setting, and the achievement in learning (Li & Pan, 2009). Therefore, motivation can explain why some students succeed and some others failed in learning English.

Explanations
(4): “According [to]” is synonymous with “stated” in this sentence. Use only one of them. To cite the work of two authors, according to APA Style, we should use the word “and” between the authors’ names within the text and use “&” in the parentheses (Check APA Citation and Referencing Style)

Paragraph 3

The investigation of language learning motivation is an important field in language pedagogy since it is seen as one of the key variables contributing to the successful acquisition of a foreign or second language (Kormos & Csizer, 2010). These studies revealed a variety of results that reflected the complexity of examining motivation in language learning. Moreover, several studies in the foreign and second language field have acknowledged the social and contextual influences on individual motivation. Most importantly, these studies were concerned with what kind of motivation led to higher proficiency achievement (Mills, 2007). Based on the Gardner & Lambert (1972) study indicated that the subjects’ motivations were mixed between instrumental and integrative motivation. The study of Pruksashewa et. al. (2008) was found that all of the students in this study, whether they liked or did not like studying English, were motivated by both types of motivation: integrative and instrumental motivation.

The investigation of language learning motivation is an important field in language pedagogy since it is seen as one of the key variables contributing to the successful acquisition of a foreign or second language (Kormos & Csizer, 2010). Moreover, several studies in the foreign and second language field have acknowledged the social and contextual influences on individual motivation (5). These studies revealed a variety of results that reflected the complexity of examining motivation in language learning. Most importantly, these studies were concerned with what kind of motivation led to higher proficiency achievement (Mills, 2007). Based on the Gardner & [and] Lambert[‘s] (1972) study indicated that the subjects’ motivations were mixed between instrumental and integrative motivation (6). The study of Pruksashewa et. al. (2008) was found revealed that all of the students in this study, whether they liked or did not like studying English, were motivated by both types of motivation: integrative and instrumental motivation (7).

Explanations
(5): The third sentence in the original text should precede the second one, so that the phrase “These studies” (the subject of the second sentence) has a reference, i.e. “several studies in the foreign and second language”.
(6) The phrase “Based on” in this sentence is a redundancy. Better to drop it. To cite the work of two authors, according to APA Style, we should use the word “and” between the authors’ names within the text. The subject of the sentence is the study of Gardner and Lambert. Therefore, apostrophe (‘s) is necessary to put after the last author’e name to indicate possession.
(7) This sentence should be in active, and the word “found” is not appropriate. Better to use “revealed” instead.

The Revised Version

Based on the revisions above, the final text of these three paragraph is as follow.

The factors contributing to the quality of education could be differentiated to internal and external factors. The internal factors include physical condition such as intelligence, motivation, interest, talents, maturity of the students. While external factors include school curriculum, school environment, professional competence of teachers, teaching methods, family environment, social status economic, society, and culture (Harmer, 2007 pp.1-6). This study dealt with motivation, some kind of internal drive that encourage somebody to pursue a course of action. If we perceive a goal (that is, something we wish to achieve) and if that goal is sufficiently attractive, we will be strongly motivated to do whatever is necessary to reach that goal (Harmer; 2007).
Choosri and Intharaksa, (as cited in Yu-mei, 2011) stated motivation is one of the several important factors that may influence students’ English achievement . It is even thought to be an important reason that causes different achievement. In other words, it determines the success or failure in second or foreign language learning because motivation can directly influence the frequency of using learning strategies, willpower of learning, goal setting, and the achievement in learning (Li & Pan, 2009). Therefore, motivation can explain why some students succeed and some others failed in learning English.

The investigation of language learning motivation is an important field in language pedagogy since it is seen as one of the key variables contributing to the successful acquisition of a foreign or second language (Kormos & Csizer, 2010). Moreover, several studies in the foreign and second language field have acknowledged the social and contextual influences on individual motivation (5). These studies revealed a variety of results that reflected the complexity of examining motivation in language learning. Most importantly, these studies were concerned with what kind of motivation led to higher proficiency achievement (Mills, 2007). Gardner and Lambert[‘s] (1972) study indicated that the subjects’ motivations were mixed between instrumental and integrative motivation. The study of Pruksashewa et. al. (2008) revealed that all of the students in this study, whether they liked or did not like studying English, were motivated by both types of motivation: integrative and instrumental motivation.

Finishing studying this post, go to Scientific Text Revision Exercise (2) and do the exercise provide in that post. Good luck!

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